Changed

It’s been a rough 12 months, to say the least.  Some ups, lots of downs, some smiles, lots of tears, and I am different.  Good?  Bad?  I am not sure.  Different is all I am sure of. 

The pain of losing someone you love is terrible.  However, when that person is your best friend, your rock, the pain is indescribable.  It was 6 months ago today that I knew it was over.  I remember the feeling that came over me as the doctor was talking.  I knew it would be the last time she would be admitted to the hospital, the last time I would see that doctor, the last time I would breathe normally, the last time I would have hope.

I see her every day.   She is with me.  I talk to her and see little signs that she is answering me.  But it isn’t the same as picking up the phone and calling her, or having a conversation with her while we weed the garden, or sharing a bottle of our favorite wine while we talk about what we would do when we win the lottery. 

I was fortunate enough to tell her how much I loved her and how proud I was to be her daughter.  I was also fortunate enough to be with her when she took her last breath while I held her hand.  And I am fortunate to know how much she loved me.

Some people aren’t as lucky as I am. 

Yes, I am changed.